Arriving 15 minutes late, Trump strides to the podium amid a standing ovation. Seizing the microphone, he begins to speak: Thank you…thank you… Will you listen to that applause? Fantastic. Unbelievable. And it’s not just here inside the Capitol. There must be ten million people outside, chanting my name. It’s only a short hop here from Trump Palace and Gardens, which by the way has totally transformed the 1600 block of Pennsylvania Avenue. But the crowd is so huge there was no place to land my helicopter.
And I got no help from those Secret Service idiots. They just sat there. So I told the pilot, “Lower me onto the Dome, and I’ll knock out one of those stupid-looking windows.” It’s amazing how crappy the construction is in these old buildings. If I didn’t have total respect for the beauty of Trumpington DC, I would’ve torn this one down along with the others. I still might, because the people don’t care about Congress any more. They care about me.
Anyway, my window idea was amazing, and I got here. And those Secret Service idiots? Fired!
Listen to that cheering. The state of the union is good, very good, and it’s going to be great again, because I am making it great. That’s why 300 million Americans are up off their asses right now, cheering for me. Wait—can I say “asses” on TV? Yes, I can! This is the DDT network, and it is unbelievably popular. Who even remembers CNN, or Fox, or that other one that was so great for a while? That other one hosted me every morning until somebody, I won’t say who, got to them, and suddenly they lowered their standards and began airing disgusting stories about me. All lies, horrible stuff, really.
I’m sure you remember my victory speech on Super Tuesday—it was an amazing speech, people are still commenting on it. That was when I did the math on the polls, which had me up over 50 percent. I was correcting a very, very bad report by a horrible magazine, one of the worst in the world, which put me below 50. That magazine had some terrible people working for it, totally incompetent. But the next day that network that used to be so great ran a disgusting story, saying I shouldn’t be obsessing about polls on the night of my greatest victory.
I hate to say this, but after that, the media became very, very compromised. I can’t tell you who was behind it, because my people, who by the way are the best people in the world for this type of problem, are still investigating. But I can tell you, it was no accident that after Super Tuesday the media went on the attack, running all sorts of garbage about me, my campaign, and the millions and millions of Americans who had gone into the booth and pulled the trigger for Trump. That investigation is going forward and, I promise you, we will get these scumbags.
A lot of these reporters are mentally unbalanced, that I can tell you. Some may not even realize they are lying. I have a lot of sympathy for people who are mentally unbalanced—many of them are great people. But the lies were very, very damaging and had to be stopped.
That’s why my first job as President was to make deals with the worst media companies—amazing deals that gave me hundreds of thousands of shares. Then I tweeted at every scumbag in those companies, “Fired!” That got rid of the worst people, incredibly dumb losers like Megyn Kelly, who should never have been hired in the first place. You know Megyn—when she got that tweet, she dropped to her knees so fast, I couldn’t believe it. But I said to her, “Thanks, but this is business.”
Then I let the best people back in, real professionals like Lyin’ Brian Williams and Mike what’s-his-name from Boston—you know, the one who got hired on “Morning Joe” after inventing half the stuff in his columns? These people are on my communications team now, along with most of the big-name political columnists and the hottest interns you ever saw, fresh out of the Trump School of Journalism.
So that was the first step, and today Americans are better informed than ever, with a choice between DDT and the two top global networks: CCTV and RT. I have learned an unbelievable amount from these global partners. They have some of the best brains in the media business today, and they know how to handle the worst losers—you know, the scumbags who used to write long, boring stories in old places like the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Post, and the New York Times.
Those print scumbags were very, very elitist, that I can tell you. And so biased, you wouldn’t believe how biased they were. They tried to block my executive order changing the libel laws. So I got the top attorneys in the country, people with very good brains, to do a work-around on the more outdated parts of the Constitution, with advice from my global partners. The Chinese have been amazing. During my campaign—which by the way is being studied by all the top historians—I pointed out that I have made a lot of money with the Chinese, and I understand the Chinese mind. But now I understand it on a deeper level. The Chinese have amazing IQs, and their system of government works a lot better than ours, that I can tell you.
So my attorneys did a beautiful job on the new Consti—I mean, on the work-around, and it was all completely legal. But I haven’t had to use it—you know why? Because nobody reads those print losers any more! Their business model was already collapsing, and they didn’t have a leg to stand on.
The Chinese are also amazing with the internet. They built their internet from scratch, with incredible safeguards against the same type of losers we have over here. A lot of Americans don’t realize it, but the people who built our internet were totally incompetent—really bad people, total liars, and some of them even traitors. That’s why the internet was such a mess during the campaign. Some of the things people tweeted about me were so insulting, so dangerous, that the scumbags doing it deserved to be thrown offline right away. But the internet was such a mess then, we couldn’t do that. Now, with the help of some very high-IQ people in China, we can.
It’s going to be so great when we get the DDT Intranet up and running. You won’t believe how great it’s going to be. The next time some wacko posts a fake video of an oil spill in the Great Lakes, or a food riot in Detroit, or a suicide bomb going off in Chicago, it will come down right away. It’s all lies—none of that stuff is happening, and I don’t want people’s minds polluted by that type of politically correct garbage.
By the way, my global partners are so impressed by the way DDT combines news and entertainment they are starting to imitate it. For example, RT is making huge inroads into Europe with its new TV series, Aus Meinem Gesicht, modeled on DDT’s streaming video hit, Get the F*** Out of My Face. The star of this new RT series is a very good-looking German from Kallstadt, Germany—which by the way is one of the most amazing places on Earth. The people in Kallstadt are probably the most intelligent on Earth, with unbelievable genes—like my grandfather, who invented ketchup before going into real estate. Anyway, the RT series shows this amazingly handsome, intelligent guy rounding up all the ratty little foreigners who have been taking advantage of Germans, especially German women, and putting them on buses headed for the border.
The American version, Get the F*** Out of My Face, has the same storyline, only it shows buses full of Mexican criminals and rapists exiting the gates of the Trump Towering Wall of Friendship. And instead of Europeans dancing in the streets, it shows Americans going back to work—three million so far, eight million by the end of the series. All of this is totally real.
Another hit series has started on CCTV, airing throughout the Chinese sphere of influence—which, by the way, is very, very big, much bigger than we thought, stretching all the way to Russia, India, Australia, and—what’s it called?—Indonesia. I can’t pronounce all the languages they use in this program, but the English title is Great Leader Apprentice. My friends at CCTV tell me that President Xi was a little reluctant to star in the show, because he wasn’t sure the other leaders would go along with it. But he changed his mind after watching my huge DDT hit, Great American Apprentice. Seeing the way I line up contestants and force them to attack each other’s weaknesses, he got very excited.
I should also mention my other huge hit on DDT, Game of Drones. My brain is working so hard on improving the economy, you wouldn’t believe how hard. My brain is probably the most powerful brain in the world right now, and all the other problems I debated during the campaign, my brain is working on them, too. But while that’s happening, Americans are feeling so great, so incredible. And a lot of that is due to Game of Drones. It shows Americans fighting back against the terrorists, and really, truly winning this time. I tell you, people are loving this show.
Like I tell my global partners, the best thing about combining news and entertainment is the way it calms people down without costing a lot of money. The trick is to make people feel like they’re getting what they want. And that’s how you feel, right? Tell me that’s how you feel! Love that applause!
It also makes it a lot easier to get elected—if you still want to use that system of government. There’s an amazing synergy when all the media work together to educate the public.
Voices from the balcony: “He’s lying!” “He’s putting all the reporters in jail!” “He’s not doing anything for the country, he’s just trying to brainwash us!”
Trump from the podium: Take ’em out, take ’em out. Do what you have to do and send me the bill. And thank God America finally has a President strong enough to get the job done.
