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Latest Wikileaks Bombshell: April Fool

H/T to Foreign Policy for bringing this to our attention. It appears from a 2008 cable released by Wikileaks that the US envoys in India were a little frustrated by Indian delyaing tactics and decided to let off some steam in a cable to the home office. Read the cable here on Wikileaks, and some excerpts below:

The Ambassador told Foreign Secretary Shivshankar Menon April 1 that he will go on a hunger strike until the UPA government submits the IAEA safeguards agreement to the Board of Governors. Moreover, he continued, like Mahatma Gandhi, he will march to the Department of Atomic Energy headquarters in Mumbai in an effort to mobilize public opinion in support of the nuclear initiative. In a separate April 1 meeting, the Ambassador told National Security Advisor M.K. Narayanan that the alignment of Jupiter and Saturn in April would prevail on the Board to look more favorably on the agreement than if the Board considered approval in May. Narayanan countered that his birth chart predicted a big international event in May, which he interpreted as passage of the safeguards agreement…

The Ambassador warned that during the fast he will consume only wasabi-and-lime-flavored California-grown almonds, on which, he noted, the UPA government currently imposes a luxury tax…

The interference of Mars will actually prove an obstacle for the Communists, [National Security advisor M.K.] Narayanan corrected, and added that the tilt of Venus towards Mercury during that time will make them more “level-headed and rational.” The Ambassador asked how Uranus figures into the equation. Narayanan acknowledged that Uranus could have a negative impact on the voting of Ireland and Austria in the Board of Governors, but he hoped that Neptune would counteract Uranus’ adverse effect…

While Embassy features such as water fountains and flower gardens would normally clear the mind and allow U.S. mission personnel to regard India positively, the chancery receives too much shade, which darkens the U.S. perspective towards India. “You should shift the Chancery 90 degrees so that it faces east,” Narayanan directed.

And the end?

Happy April Fool’s Day from Incredible India!

Diplomatic life can be frustrating, and India’s labyrinthine bureaucracy and distinctive culture can sorely test the patience of foreign envoys.

One pities Noam Chomsky, having to wade through reams of harmless diplomatic reportage as he combs the cables for the skullduggery and murder that a trove of stolen US diplomatic correspondence ought to show.  Diplomats joking about astrology?  Grousing about delays? When do they get around to planning the murders of the union activists?

The world waits to find out, though the truly hard core conspiracy theorists have already suggested that the Wikileaks archive is a clever plant intended to advance a much more sinister agenda than anything disclosed in these voluminous files.

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  • Kris

    “One pities Noam Chomsky, having to wade through reams of harmless diplomatic reportage”

    Come now, surely an esteemed and prolific public intellectual such as Chomsky would have a team of interns!

  • Charles R. Williams

    Hilarious. I think the Indians should respond by leaking one of their own diplomatic cables about the craziness in the US. We can all have a good multicultural laugh.

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