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There Will Always Be an England


Wars are won and lost. Empires rise and fall. Kings and queens come and go. But England will never die.

A British scientist and math expert has apparently solved the all-important debate dating back to the 11th century of how to build the perfect “cream tea,” the famous English treat of a scone with butter and jam. The University of Sheffield’s premier mathematician suggests a ratio of “2:1:1 (by weight)—so the average scone, weighing 70g, would require 35g of jam and 35g of cream.” The Telegraph reports on the groundbreaking scientific method:

The total thickness of the scone, with all its elements, should be around 2.8cm, to allow it to fit in your mouth easily.

Jam, due to its density, needs to be first as the cream could cause the jam to run off – creating sticky fingers.

The thickness of the cream should not be thicker than that of the scone, as it will become off balance whilst trying to eat it.

In other news from Dear Old Blighty, Queen guitarist and heavy metal legend Brian May has become the self-appointed guardian of a tuberculosis-infested badger community in southwest England. The rock icon is at the vanguard of opposition to the Government’s plan to cull the poor badgers, which, he maintains, is quite “rude”:

Mr May said: “It would be very rude of the Government to start a cull when there is a major debate coming up. […]

“It has become increasingly apparent to me that, although we call ourselves a nation of animal lovers, we treat them appallingly.”

Despite the outbreak of TB in dairy and beef herds and support for the cull from the British Veterinary Association, the public is split on the matter, with 34 percent opposed and 29 percent in favor.

We trust that Winston would be proud. In the timeless words of James Thomson:

The nations, not so blest as thee,
Must, in their turns, to tyrants fall;
While thou shalt flourish great and free,
The dread and envy of them all.

Rule, Britannia!

[English flag image courtesy of Shutterstock]

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  • Andrew Allison

    A “scone with butter and jam” is not a cream tea!! Clotted cream is an essential ingredient. Everything you ever wanted to know about it, and a possible substitute can be found at (

  • rheddles

    Did you mean to link to this?

  • qet

    Point of order: I don’t think it is correct to call May a legend of heavy metal. Wrong genre. That is all. Carry on.

  • Nick Bidler

    …I can’t be sure if this was meant to be some sort of satire on Britain or not.

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